favour rain rain!!!

I am sry

2011-03-06T21:52:00.003+08:00

I am sry, the words that kept appearing in mind, kept achoing in my mind but yet unable to speak it out of my mouth.

I am sry my wish, my craving are all so selfish, that i seem to be a bother. I am sry tt i am unable to control my tears and cried infront of u, causing u to feel bad. I am sry tt the words i m sry couldn speak it out of my mouth.

I am sorry...

A New Game

2011-01-27T04:25:00.002+08:00

Wow! Juz had a dinner @ tcc @ wisma yesterday, and i found out a nice but yet quite true game. The tcc tarot cards are actually quite true, i have been having my hopes up high but guess wad i got a card 7! first time! haha~ Card 7: Be Awakened! A change is necessary. Card 7 is the card where my fren got it 3 consecutive times during our relaxation @ tcc and for me, none :) but aft getting a ans for whether clive and me still gt hope which is card 2, my hopes all getting high up @_@ card 2: Perfect & Juliet, Dilemma; reconcillation and cooperation to be sought. The word reconcillation kinda pops up at me which kinda scares me :S but den now aft trying again for the qn whether clive will finds me back, the ans is card 7!!! Wake up grace, dun spend anymore more time on things that r past n over. U r wastng time on redundant stuff!!! BE AWAKENED! O, how i like tt word. it took me 3 yrs to put down the feeling of admiration i had for someone during sec sch, i wonder how long it will took me for a 1 n half yr relationship tt i gotten my heart so deep into it @_@ thou it been 8 months past liao but all of it juz seem like yesterday happenings. stop clinging grace! A CHANGE IS NECESSARY!

This mean no harm

2010-08-21T05:59:00.003+08:00

This onli a share of y feelings and no ill mneaning x_x

Things happen within a day, okay, perhaps within 30 hours :X

but lame thing is its the same day, ppl tends to misunderstand my word or saying. How come :S Did my form really tt confusing @_@

First, i didn agree to the delivery order and i was waiting for the order den middle of the day, bout 130 a reply came stating i assume my stuff will be collected and delivery within today rite @_@ i was WTH!!!! my delivery booking all full, hari or chandran cant anymore liao n er ravi tends to seem a bit reluctant whenever i ask him to do some delivery n he seem to b on project team side. Seems that i cant really touch him thou john say i can but wad john say r all bullshit! he doesn noe the factual reality. thanxzfully the cust of tt order is willing to schedule to tomorrow ( or i surely b dead)

I wish to ask Abbah, does ppl misunderstand ur words @_@ if u don't so m i in this world! n i pray this wun happen again.

things r so weird, when u couldn't go out ( = no life ) but when u go out too frequently ( tiredness, weariness step in but at the end the life still cant brink up)
John 10:10
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
N i agree to tt!! Jesus have come that i may have life, and that i may have it more abundantly!!!

A surprising turnout!

2010-08-21T01:12:00.006+08:00

This 21st birthday was really damn great! Had a great fun n getting a really surprise gift :)

Thanxz Joey, Irene & Kaiyi for ur really wonderful gift.

Everyone had a key for their 21st yet i was thinking *sigh... no key :X* coz its really lame to get one myself n if i gt to pay for myself its even weirder rite @_@

But i couldn believe it!!! I got a key necklace from Joey, Irene & Kaiyi. but damn it! forgot to wear today :( thou belated but i will wear tml. as least muz wear something tt sigifies u r 21st alr rite.

Sigh. was suppose to upload this msg yesterday but really tired from work. sry bout the thanxz J, I, Ky >.<

O! another surprise was i rememb during dip in sim my fren liz was saying she was getting a portfolio for her 21st and the pic she took from the pro was really damn great. she say at least muz keep some memory of ur 21st like how u look like and down the years u can still keep memory of how u look like when you were young. i was like ya true. but as you noe grace being grace tends to be lazy. i was thinking hey portfoilio not bad ^^ but need spend money n time :S no way man :$

n guess wad! J, I & Ky gave me a portfolio of me n us together >
Sometimes the way things r so coincidental really surprise me. Lastly, i continue to believe for favor, wisdom, revelation in following the spirit n not knowledge of good n evil. Wish everyone blessed n really thanxz for remembering my birthday.

I m really really touch >.
Opps. almost forgot. i had actually tot tt my 21st was gonna turn out a boring same old day which i dun mind. coz i had no idea y 21st is impt n i really lack the motivation in making it an eventful day. JIKy u really make my 21st special :) must really thanxz ya all for tt >.< i wun ever forget this special effort done for me!!

Family is the best

2010-07-08T13:04:00.002+08:00

Family is really the best, the only one who will care, the only one who will concern for you and never never leave you. Noon, my bro, grandpa, grandma n me was doing the communion. Grandma was the one who lead the prayer and i am so so so touched when i heard what she was praying. I really really pray and wish for my better understanding i had wif grandma and better wisdom is communicating n building better relationship wif her. Til now all i had done was irritated wif her nagging, scream at her when i lost my patience :X, telling her to bug off when i sense she was nagging me. I hope all is not too late for me to learn but time is not a prob for u rite Abbah, i pray and entrust this into your hand, letting me know more and more about Jesus, that i m able to know my true self in christ, tranforming into ur image better and better day by day =D

My Wish~~

2010-07-07T01:24:00.007+08:00

Today along the bus 920, during tt short 10 mins i being preoccupied in my mind about U :) thinking how great and mighty u r tt u definitely can fuilfil my dream whenever i wan wadever i wan :) Well! Here goes the list: =)

First:
My wish is to have perfect healthy straight teeth :) (All real tooth >.<)

Second:
My wish is to have a luxury japan, korea holiday trip and comic taiwan trip :)

Third:
My wish is to have perfect healthy bones :)

Fourth:
My wish is to have perfect healthy working digestion system (tt wun give me too much gas in my body whenever i eat >.<)

Fifth:
My wish is to have a job of 4K! (n.n) Also, its the job i enjoy

Sixth:
My wish is to b a owner of ipod touch, mac book, iphone, new classic ipod, new psp

Seventh:
My wish is to bcome a beautiful woman :$

Eight:
My wish is to attain the qualification i wan (a degree & acca)

Nine:
My wish is to get married and have & (hmm... 2 kids i tink ^.^) before age of 30 :$

Ten:
My wish is to b in mature in handling relationship (fren, family) & always treasure them =)

Eleven:
My wish is to live in a house tt is able for me to rear a husky (and tt husky would b my beloved kawai fren X)!)

12:
My wish is to retire around the age of 40 and enjoy life as tai tai :$

13: *Most impt*
My wish is to NEVER DEFINITELY NEVER TO DEPEND ON HUMAN ANYMORE. This hurt, this failure grace u muz realise once its enough. Once u say can we dun break, once u call back tt person, once even if u noe u r not impt anymore in tt person heart u still thing he is impt in ur life n keep finding him. All these once ONCE IS ENOUGH. This ONCE happens bcoz u rely, u depend, u make him ur life tt is happens. THEREFORE, ABBAH TEACH ME, GUIDE ME NEVER TO DEPEND ON HUMAN BUT U ONLY. i knew it in my heart tt no human can give me wad i wan tt if ever i will to turn to a human, tt human will only disappoint me for no human is perfect. but grace always always tend to lean onto tt human, so Abbah, guide me never to rely on human but only u >.< this way, i will not b hurt anymore

Ps: Grace never forget last wish (13th wish) and get ready in ur heart to receive those wish =D Hohohohho

Haha, seems like my wish is never ending but hehe of course Abbah u alr noe human wish r never ending but i believe tt wads pleases u for u r able to show us ur greatness and ur mighty ability =)

This post shall b my first step in growing up. Hope all goes well =)

Anticipating a change of lifestyle

2010-06-21T22:02:00.002+08:00

1 and half a month have pass since i became single. During this period, i realize how much my life has been impacted by you, especially things around me. Most no majority of my things are either brought by you or somehow it involve. Like: my pooh u bought for me, monopoly deal card is bought by you, jacket too, soft toys too. Til now i still do not have the courage to look at it was the crystal music globe you bought for me for valentine this year. Is it bcoz i really treasure it or i seldom see c, once i saw the globe in my cupboard my heart start to aches. The music is played was once i deeply love bcoz i have no idea how to describe but it smoothes my heart and it reminded me of your feeling of love for me. Weird :S ur feeling for me tt time was alr vanish or vanishing soon but tt music somehow has this power. tinking back, how i enjoy the gift is it depends on how much feeling i have tt i can feel ur love from tt music was only just bcoz i love u?

well, sometime has passed since i suggested break up, my heart still longing but it stable alr. i must really apologise for being a nuisance tt i kept trying to call u n msg u and not once have u reply or pick up my call. for tt i must apologise though u alr plainly showly ur i cant b bother wif u attitude tt i still kept harrassing u. thanxzfully i m being splash awake by u when u reject my call, the ringing stop and ur phone is off. i cried at tt time but not for long coz exam coming tt time, not much time to be depress.

therefore, i need wisdom. wisdom in not relying on other (human) and wisdom in taking care, loving my parent and friends. of course wisdom in enabling me to fuifil my dream which is a simple but too far fetch dream =.= getting degree and acca qualification, got a stable job at least 4k, been to japan, korea, taiwan for holiday (hot spring, comic, disneyland most impt), married and have at least 1 kid before age of 30 =)

enough of bad news (not including my dream), so glad i have a good news :) my result out today! hehe, judging by the way i sound, bet u guess the result alr ;) yup! i pass!!! =D really coudn't believe it especially since out of 20 marks 4 essay qn, i onli miserably barely able to ans 1 qn, which is to say i throw away 60 marks. So its impossible for me to pass but surprisingly yup i m totally depress, no mood to discuss exam ans wif my fren during 5 hours after my exam, but somehow after depressing gone i feel relieved. 1 down ;) haha confusing feelings rite. i was so anxious since yesterday, worrying bout my result. i have really no idea wad will i do if i were to fail, bcoz i have totally no interest in studying now. wonder y :S i hav tot of using studying to forget the feeling for him but it ended up biting my hands, causing me to lose interest or i can say i study until i m sick of all those papers. but i pass =D got c+ for law n b for com, my worse perform semester. result not tt fantastic but i pass :D:D cant contain my feelings my agitated feelings and the outburst feeling which i can feel it is going to explode in my body but haven yet and no where to go >.< i graduate!!!! hohoho.... now attempting to find an accounting office job. i hope (confident) to find abbah! =)

Really thanxz for guiding n helping and passing me >.<

A small wish

2010-05-22T17:17:00.003+08:00

Today is my bro formal wedding proposal to his girlfriend's family. When i tot of it, i m actually tinking "wow! how great it will b if it will to b my event" opps! wait! y m i harbouring this tot @_@ But sincerely speaking, maybe starting of this yr, i hav been like cant help but taking glances to c e beautiful wedding dress whenever i saw it being displayed.

I wish for a simple life where nth goes wrong, dun need too eventful but just sweet n simple Yup! tts my wish abbah n i m greatly confident my life is working towards tt aim :)

For this past month, every single day u been appearing in my tots randomly n still pain existed but i believe whatever i lost, i can get it back! much more!!

Still like, still wanting to b together, but very unsure of e future *especially in ur feelings toward me since u hav nv ever once find me anymore* Abbah i m veri unsure how to continue to walk but i will just rest in u bcoz u r the beginning n final word of my life, wadever u say, wadever u decide, tts is how my life going to be :)

correcting

2010-05-11T08:37:00.002+08:00

Opps! didn mean to say he doesn deserve me. this seem as thou i m looking down on him as if i veri high like tt :X its juz i meant tt i m veri precious so i shouldn treat myself so lousy anymore thinking of a guy who doesn even care bout me liao. i would b veri wad if i continue treat myself like tt when abbah treat me so precious ><

juz continue hide n rest in Jesus grace :)

A new revelation

2010-05-10T18:25:00.002+08:00

Haha :D i noe a great truth today :D giving glory is to have a good opinion of God. God gives glory to me :) I m Highly favored greatly blessed deeply care for :D:D woohoo~~~

I m a king and priest n wadever tt i value as so it shall be state in the bible. Thus, how i value myself is how much i m worth. So grace! Value urself highly, u r the beloved daughter of heavenly father!!! U should treasure urself more. Juz let him go, people tt dun like u liao doesn deserve to be wif u liao.

Grace: u r precious in jesus sight :) Jesus is ur hiding shelter forever n ever

Rest in him =)

O! O! Jesus = full of grace, full of truth. U: full of infirmaties. Faith: bringing the infirmaties to the grace

Haha! Grace congrats :) u hav lots of faith siaz @.@ so many infirmaties to bring to Jesus :$ but jesus likes it :P juz bring!!! he is ur shelter :)

thank u Jesus for loving me so so much tt u r willing to die for me :) my flesh is dead but my spirit in life lives forever and I M PRECIOUS *view urself highly grace in christ!*

The day tt is all over

2010-05-06T22:33:00.002+08:00

Bye bye clive, thou u may not c it but really bye bye. thanxz for being so firm wif me tt i can really be firm in not looking for u anymore. Sry for being crazy today, calling u non stop, even call to ur work place to disturb

I will forget bout u and treat as u hav nv ever existed in my life. perhaps onli this way i can be free of all this.

Stay focus grace!! study more impt. ur teeth, holi, things u wanna buy n achieve dun forget all this!

2010-05-06T05:47:00.002+08:00

Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Grace!!!!! Why did ur desire go so strong this morn at 1am???!!! It causes me to cant slp at all today!!! T.T I almost call him back but tink either my no being block or he off his phone when he went to slp. Damn!!! He can slp but i cant today :'( Grace u r all fine til today, thou sometimes a bit lost til being careless and start losing things, spoiling ur things, almost fly off the bus with shoes kanna throw out (damn embarrassing!! >.< tink saw my classmate saw it n so many student from dms also saw it!!), u still can slp. Why juz today u muz like tt? Why? :'(

Why clive can let me go so easily?? If he finds me back, i would definitely jump into his arm :'(

Guarantee Over Le

2010-05-05T23:16:00.002+08:00

I can accept u as being frens why cant u treat me as fren too? Kanna block by u really damn hurts siaz. Even if i really regretted this, i think there's no chance of returning back to orginal liao rite since i cant contact u anymore. Even if e relationship ended there is no reason for total block rite :'( Must face the truth grace!

painful wake up call :'(

2010-05-04T17:31:00.003+08:00

Aft losing erm 1 thumbdrive, my ezlink card, spoil my starter i finally realize i muz zhen zuo =.= move forward n stop looking back to past

e thumbdrive n ezlink card n starter really hurt pain wake up call for me siaz :'( but aft listening to my fren advise, yes musnt continue to b down n lost

2010-05-02T01:39:00.001+08:00

onli 2 hours since break up but yet my heart misses u. what grace gonna do T.T

confusing thoughts

2010-05-02T01:17:00.002+08:00

Every thing all over. I build up my courage to say, : "let's end it ba". Truthfully to tell clive, i still like u. a lot alot in fact but i couldn overcome myself of e qn i kept asking myself n i will always doubt ur feelings towards me. Guess its bcoz i felt its me begging u to b wif me, that i m wasting ur time, tt u onli felt pity tts y u patch back wif me. I get a feeling one day one day u will definitely throw me away n i m veri scare of e day. Since tts e truth, i need to set u n me free or else i will just cause u to waste more time on me redundantly

Abbah, thanxz for ur courage and really thanxz for walking wif me through this. Without u i definitely could survive now n i believe wadever i lost, it will be repaid back to me! Further 7 times more!! My heart hurt a lot but give me faith to stay strong in u for now i onli left wif u as my shetler

Thinking back, 1 n half yr gone n i hav alr break up wif clive yet i still dunno wad clive full name is. Guess i m a failure gf

Trouble over same thing again n again n again

2010-04-23T17:25:00.002+08:00

How the trouble started? Well. its only just 5 mins ago tt it started happening. Grandma ask me hey wad's clive job doing now? i was like er. starhub. With care n concern towards me she probe into more details how clive financial situation are: 1k job, temp. She say go tell him to find other better job, in his situation will he b able to tc of his family. Well. i can onli say i say thousand over time but he dun wan listen. Once this topic started i feel trouble liao.

Grandma says to me i got to treat myself well, finding a guy got to at least like earn 2k so tt he is able to support a family n next she jump to hav i seen his parent? i was like nope and she continue ask is it i dun dare to go c well perhaps i m but actually in my most inner desire i hope dunno y but all my fren seem to hav gone to their bf house except me. weird rite :X

Most hurt words were if he dun even dare bring u to his house why are u still being so intimate wif him

i guess this is wad i hav to face sooner or later n i hav absolutely no idea which step to take. I scare of losing him, love or used to i hav absolutely no idea but tink love more i guess since i love his prescence, gives me a veri comfy warm feeling n haha i love touching his face :$ feels good >.<

i wan to survive so give me courage to face it. if i find a good job n started settling no perhaps with my impatient i may suggest it to him aft i graduate. the courage slowly build inside me til one day even the bu this word doesn hurt anymore.

he dun wan leave starhub, dun wan find other better job, dun even listen to my advice, dun even bring me to his house. all i can tink of r all this n i m not a person who sacrifice livelihood for love so abbah guide me. i m seriously in need of advise n courage from u :'(

2 April 2010

2010-04-02T09:57:00.009+08:00

Wake up at a day, after seeing joey msg all wad jun yuan had told me yesterday nite kept flowing into my mind. Grace now guarantee to be a slow person for the effect now then i m experiencing it.

I been feeling guilty since i had met up with jun yuan. The things i had been i catogrize it as what only gf should b doing wif bf thou he keep insisting he only treated me fren. Plus the using of hand to punch against the wall effect for me not trusting him =.= i can onli say i had no feeling towards him now but in future ya no one can say.

The things tt i had been hoping clive will do it jun yuan keep pushing onto me, i keep on telling myself differ ppl has differ degree of affection n if i keep on demanding from clive is like i onli put in 1% but hoping for 100%. TT really is cruel of me but is it??? This is the qn kept on poping into my mind now.

Previously i keep on hearing my frens going to bf, staying blah blah... It is really daring of them to go and wow so good. Good?? why would i tink tt? bcoz nv once i been to clive house b4??? i didn tink too much of it coz mayb we r staying too far n ya i hate travelling far. i dunno if jun yuan deliberately told me but wad he say make sense n it shivers my heart, what is this relationship actually is between me n clive, just a play thing??

Jun yuan say guy dun bring their gf to their house coz:

1) opps i forgot the other reason =.=

2) His parent. My age n clive age i hav nv tot of being a problem n most certainly his parent would b a problem between us. i hav nv ever seen his parents before. Parents care for their children, agreed! this is wad parents would feel for their child. Jun yuan says parents would wan to c their child marry for he is a guy child in the family thou twin but he noes wad parents expect of their children. N i m too young for marriage, his parents wun allow me n him to b together coz his parents cant allow him to just bcoz of waiting for me marry at perhaps 36 n above. Moreover, he is the onli child if things really goes tt way, would he choose parents or me. Well, my ans parents.

With this i tink again, since clive alr noe its impossible wif me why find me. Jun yuan says guys r like tt, in the beginning they just onli focus on love without considering the consequences but once the love dampen liao their logic would b back n sooner or later clive will dump me. Is this true clive? M i onli just your play thing b4 u really seriously responds to ur parents demand like wad a onli child should do?

Is this the reason why the care tt i desire most u couldn give me in all these 1 n half yr?? or my demand is overdemanding?? Is this aso the reason why u dun bring me to ur house??

i have always feel weird not being able to go his house so i asked tink 1 month ago hey clive, you nv bring me to ur house b4 then i notices his weird expression but mayb gal shouldn b so daring so i added of course when not ur parent around. His ans was his parent now not working so they can b anytime home so cant but one day. I rememb the one day but rest no memory of wad he says plus i dun tink much of it.

Stupid of grace which is wad i can tink. if the guy dun even wan u into his house n u this gal actually so shamelessly asking to go, my pride, my dignity will b all smash to pieces.

Ever since ur if u wan break just break, but at tt pt in time i didn even say the break part. Is this ur true intention tt ur love gone but logic back time?? N tt time is i personally call u one to tell u bout my feelings all the excuse u gave me onli were ur job need ot very busy no time to meet up to even clear things up. perhaps by then the feeling u had for me is all but gone so since tt time til now or rite from the start all this is not real is it?? Jun yuan says tt weird coz if the guy really work hard for their job, they would try to strive hard n aim high but all u were doing but juz stuck in starhub as temp. Haha

I knew in my heart me n clive will not b long together but i dun wan to tink bout it. From the time i call him telling him i like him alot n he accepted me back i have been feeling insecure i dunno why

First i must state, this is not my battling of feeling betw wad i had betw jun yuan n clive n i admit i m a bitch for going out wif jun yuan for past 3 days for i suppose all the things i do wif him onli suppose to do wif ur bf (i have no more toher words on this part)

Clive pls pls pls dun tell me these 1 n half year is all onli a fake, a play thing for u

Jun yuan didn cause my relationship to go worse but rather he forces me to stop running away from reality pushing me to face reality.

But grace do u hav the courage to break this balance u had wif clive? Will u break down???

The hotel thing u really dun respect me at all rite?? bcoz i to u onli a loose gal?

Opps haha forget mention. okay i tink i really did wrong. when i went back home for toliet around 1am, my bro says so late going out? with who? clive? this word feels like an alarm to me i really did wrong the person i with not clive but jun yuan. yup. wrong. i m sry clive if u treat our relationship as real but if not haha guess grace is destined to be always cheated by ppl

31 march 2010

2010-03-31T10:46:00.003+08:00

This is definitely not a good post. This feels as thou grace a bitch x.x Firstly, i gt to know a guy who had been my sec sch mates. Erm, well... Grace a gal so i guess i m happy to noe actually a guy likes me. All my life i hav always tot of guy will definitely not like me one coz i m not wad guy likes. This happy makes me feel as thou i m stepping two ships at the same time. Feeling guilty n happy is like wad the rite =.=

This guy thou he seem gentleman bcoz he keep giving me advance warning that my hand is in danger of being hold by him ya all so far its my hand. o. ways to hold gal hands techniques too. usually a guy wan to hold just hold rite where got advance warning one so perhaps i tot he really treat me as fren thus i didn put up much defences. sigh... i still go tell him "hey next time when u wan hold the gal just do it why tell so much" =___= stupid of me. he actually uses wad i told him on me. When parting he just suddenly hug me n say u told me one when i wan just do it. bloody hell.

o o. back to the topic of him being gentleman. thou he keep giving me warnings but when he gives me the warning he will get super close to me, standing just beside me, erm mayb touching my back or sometimes he will hold my hand. isnt tt alr trying to get close without warning. now tt i tink back did he onli pretend to b gentleman @.@

Secondly, i feel scared. he seem to know my everything like wad i m thinking, wad i feel, i only told clive tt i need 10-12 hrs of slp den he call me sleeping beauty one but this morn i receive the guy msg n he calls me tt :S i nv even tell him i usually slp alot one. when he is someone thou known for years but nv at all speak to each other once before til yesterday can noe me so detail. this creaps me >.< bringing back my memories to yuming where i really treasure her as my best best fren but in the i noe nth bout her but yet myself is being expose to her totally. i feel like this guy is able to somehow like yuming cheat me. okay mayb i fantasize too much :x

erm. now tt i tink back he got ans call or call back a person secretly as in he needs go away to call family usually dun need rite :S who noes mayb his another gf :S opps i having been hearing too much negative tt i start tinking bad of a guy with my imagination liao :S

conclusion: grace follow ur heart. so u hav decided this guy is dangerous, stay away!!!

A refreshing morning

2010-02-16T11:12:00.003+08:00

Morning!!! Today woke up suddenly with a refreshing thought and it really touches my heart, relieving all the burden i have been feeling. Guess it trigger by my fren "perfect man".

"I'm not generous but u r, tts y i m too coz i m in u."

"I'm not pretty but u r, tts y i m too." (//n.n//)

"I'm not good with socializing, with relationship towards fren, bf, family but u r, u r the mighty one who noe anything and everything in this universe, u will noe how to react, how to build the relationship, tts y i can coz i m in u."

"I'm not smart and i cant take the studies anymore but u can! smart and everything, there is no reason u cant score, tts y i m in u i can score."

Well... Hehe everything is all but one statement. Its not about me anymore, i m dead, but all about christ in me the hope of glory. Its all about Jesus.
Thank you Jesus for loving me, being in me, taking care me. With u, i believe i can accomplish all through your strength, helping the useless no guts grace.

Today receive msg from my fren telling me she's craving for someone to love her, to listen to her, to take care of her. This sounded like a perfect man isnt it. I hope i can tell her this perfect man can only be Jesus, we cant find anymore tt is so perfect already. Well, she is buddish guess i cant :X But its true rite,

In human case, human are all selfish, girls wanna find the perfect man but guys too rite: the perfect girl. Which i no idea wad's their criteria for. Maybe viture, good figure, blah blah =.=
Human are prone to error too, i knew Jesus is the onli perfect one long time ago but think i m lost tts y i unconsiously place the perfect man burden onto clive. Wanting him to protect me, take care me, listen to me, helping me when i cant. Example my studies, i always look to him when i cant do it. But this not practical at all. My current this sem he told me plainly he dun really noe the subject i m studying now, so there is no way he can help, hope he can at least help me edit but he say he dun understand how can he help me edit. I get really disappointed in him, but thinking back this wrong of me rite. This is my burden, how could i force it on him :S Also, i think when i m disappointed in him, i will throw temper n sometimes saying i wanna break. Think that time he sick liao, therefore he threw me one statement, "wan break then let's break ba, if tts really wad u wan." This statement really caught me in surprise and a sudden wake up :-0 I have been treating clive the perfect man when i already knew human cant, expecting him to do this and that for me :X Also, think girls looking for this perfect man through human, in the looking, they belittle themselves, giving man chances for them to dominate, to cheat them of their feelings and maybe worse other things too :X
tts y human dexh: XXXXXX

If human cant, den where is this perfect man. Really all but gone???!!! There is onli one person in this world where he can love us so unconditionally, so forever and ever, non-stop loving, and that person is Jesus onli which i hope to tell my fren religion also cant. But cant, this is a very sensitive issue. But seriously ya rite, religion expect us to pray hard, fast, must eat vegetarian on certain days, certain things must be done to get wad we wanted. But Jesus gave it us to all, unconditionally, bcoz he help us accomplish those praying, fast, blah blah, o sin too, tts y we can hav it. Firstly, he went to the cross, taking away our sin when he had not even a bit sin, he threw away his life all for our sake. With this, we can have the blessed and solemn life he paid with his blood. Thank you Jesus for loving me grace, ur beloved daught so so much.

Grace, u musn't forget wad u help realise today! Its not able u anymore, the one who can accomplish nothing and so anti-social one but all about Jesus, he can and he will accomplish it through u. Bcoz u r in him, tts y u can :) Put all care to him and just rest in him.

Yes: this yr 2010 is a yr of rest :D:D:D

Jesus= Perfect man + Perfect strength (^.^)

Ps: no offense. this onli a posting to grace to constantly remind herself DONT EVER LOOK TO OWNSELF!!! FLESH ONLI CORRUPTED N DISAPPOINTMENT.

29 Sept Tuesday

2009-09-29T22:36:00.002+08:00

Sigh. Guess wad i actually did. i actually went to msg clive first :X now i will nv ever noe whether clive still concern for me. onli aft i go crying to him to say i feel tough for my this sem 3 assignment den he finally show concern towards me by asking how well i did for my exam =.= its like hello after so long =.= rememb this grace. ni wei le assignment betray ur own principle this day. haha. hmm. hope well worth ><

Grace u cannot depend on this guy anymore. other than assignment stuff u CANNOT depend on him anymore le >.< !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

28 Sept Monday

2009-09-28T01:29:00.002+08:00

Omg!!! o.o i didn even go read today daily devotion.

If you are facing a challenge right now, i want you to know that you have a standing invitation from your heavenly Father to come boldly to the throne of grace to "obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
The phrase "help in time of need" means that you are sick, provisions when you are in lack, restoration when your relationship with a loved one breaks down (0.0), and favor when news of job cuts or bad prospects are rife.

This really amazing @.@ yes!!! i will continue worship n sing praises to u o Lord =)

28 Sept Monday

2009-09-28T00:56:00.003+08:00

Since last last week Thursday 17 Sept 2009, i felt that i have lost you. You have not yet once find me n every single time is that i cant stand the loneliness or the fact that i am being ignore by you that i msg or call u. Erm, well, okay got once i online in msn n u find me but tt doesn count!!! its not sms or call. Sometime when i really needed u or anything, it seem like no matter how i find u, u seem like vanish into thin air, unable to find u. Sometime when i sms like r we still together, ur ans was " yes. we are ". But juz like that :( i mean cant u ask me something more to continue the conversation. isnt that wad most ppl would have done. actually have i lost u i not sure, but i can feel i not impt in ur heart already. days have pass n i feel really miserable n depress of slowly realizing that. want meet u, u say busy. hope u find me but not even a msg from u first. last time wasnt like tt. u will care for me. whether i pass my exam, or etc stuff.
Even thou i say break, u seem like no feeling, "if you wan break den break ba".

But!!! but omg!!! Lord, you really answer my cry >.<><>< U r really the answer to everything! RESTORE!!! Grace nv forget tt...

26 Sept Saturday

2009-09-26T03:41:00.002+08:00

Clive, can i ask juz how cheapen muz i become bcoz of u T.T

First is i actually beg u 2 time not to break, second is i m e one who actually wanna meet n talk things out, third is now i actually damn sad bcoz of ur today lack of good nite sms. And damn sad til tt i wish to cry but yet couldn cry out.

I really wonder is it really bcoz of work tt u hav forgotten bout me n don't even contact me or is it bcoz i m not in ur heart already, tts y u could b so heartless til tt u cant even spare a few second sms or juz a call T.T

Lord, pls show me the way out... i feel so miserable.........

22 Sept 2009 Tuesday

2009-09-22T20:44:00.002+08:00

Is this over sensitive or??? I call him the second after i bath. First call i chose to break up with him, he accidently slip that he don't want me to spoilt his mood for the day to celebrate his fren wedding and birthday and he say he saw my msg already even b4 he lose the phone. When i say i want break up, he just calmly say is that wad i wan? nth more. i try to talk to him now is not me but is him who i feel his heart not wif me le. second time i call, i wan meet him to return him the money, he just calmly told me don't need to meet just fund transfer the amount. tt point of time i really know my first call feeling was right. his heart really not wif me le. which guy can b so calm when their gf say she wan break up. den i told him i don't want to break up, still he calmly say is this wad i wanted. this sounds wrong rite, why is it wad i wanted! i like him n i don't want. but his heart already (___) even if i continue i still will b hurt but i don't want to break up. how daddy god, wad should i do T.T

22 Sept 2009 Tuesday

2009-09-22T18:16:00.004+08:00

To think that for the past few days since 16 or 17 Sept that i cry almost everyday, feeling depress whole day. Sunday 20 Sept i finally broke down n cry almost to the point my heart bleeding, eye sore whole day, feeling headache and now too. My bro come comfort n i think i practically scream at him i want clive to answer my call :$ i really wanted an answer that i think prehaps i going mad. N wad were his reason for not picking my call. His whole day was packed n busy wif his fren stuff and he left his phone at his fren place =.= my bro told me it seem like a lie, i cant accept tt bloody shit lame reason. Whenever i need him, he was always not there. I really needed to a person to talk to, he say he was tired n he didn even call to tell me but juz onli a msg =.= n tt day i needed a answer, he disappear.

i ignore wad he send to me and he don't care. he nv even care why i ignore or whether i was angry annot. today at 4 something i online. i cant stand the feeling already. everyday i woke up feeling depress and headache, my heart aching like hell. n the reason he gave me for not finding me on monday was i'm sorry for not calling u yesterday, i was afraid to do so =.= to tink tt the guy i dated is such a loser =.= all the avoiding i done, off the phone, don't online is all for nth. i felt so dumb n stupid when he msg me tt.

i really can't stand all this le. even if my heart will break to pieces i would never ever date someone who won't care for me. these few days of being cold shoulder, i tink prehaps my feelings mayb somehow numb if not a few percent of it :S:S but if he answer me he will not find me when i didn online, i will break up.

yup grace, this is wad u have decided on tuesday 22 sept, 5pm.

comment on 12 august 2009

2009-08-12T22:45:00.001+08:00

well, it just seems like everything i blog was all sad depressing things.
I look forward to a bright and shinning tml :D

I felt better after talking and saying out all my cares to you daddy god
Thanxz for always being with me, to keep me company and protect me :)

Dairy on 12 August 2009

2009-08-12T21:54:00.001+08:00

I have been thinking where went wrong, however until now i still have no idea where actually went wrong. Wonder since when, since when have the relationship gone far apart. I remember when i was still in sec, my relationship with them still has been great. No! Best friends! I really enjoyed my outing with them that time and they have been my main motivation to endure through the lonely life in Nanyang and Greenridge. However now (__) Actually when i was still studying in Nanyang, i already felt the distant i had with them. Especially through 'W' thing that happens. All of them knows what happens, who 'W' is, what is going on and everything. I felt so so distant at that point in time i guess. Always, always only i have no idea what happen to them but be the last one to know. And they still got to re say the whole situation again for me to know. And when i try to provide with some solutions, i then realize i completely no idea what is happening. All my solutions were irrelevant. So they got to tell me everything again on what happen, felt so complete extra. But then, at that point in time, even thou i constantly have this feeling, i just disregard it, thinking next time will be better. But haha!!! May be not. On 10 august, 2009 it confirms everything to me le. No. It shows, tells me clearly. On 10 august, 2009, i went to celebrate birthday celebration. The distant i have been feeling, i didn't even realize it has became so obvious that til KY asks me was i more interactive when i going out with C or i enjoy more when i was with him. On 11 august, 2009, i stop running away from this problem and i cried. The more i realize the more sad i became. I finally realize to the answer on this distant. I am not part of this best friend group anymore. Once i realize that, my tears just cant help but flow. It was a depressing day for me.

Watching harry potter 6 that day i didn't go watch with them. Have agree on and confirm already. But i guess i was running away. I don't want to feel left out (hated this feeling, no matter where i go, i will always feel it), but the main reason was i scare my presence let them feel awkward or anything or i will spoilt their day. I feel they will be more happier without me this considered outsider liao, in this way, they don't have to talk to me just because they don't want me to feel so lonely. But then, that day my stomach really weirds and give me alot of trouble, i didn't mean to use that as an excuse.

I remembered J say one time, that she want the four of us to stay together forever that the four of us will her most important and best friends. For KY and Irene, yup i totally agree but that time i actually had a weird thought. (ky and irene very impt, but i really don't think i m tt impt :X:X:X)

For my 20th birthday, C once asks me whether i want to like book a chalet or a room, whereby i can get my friends to celebrate together with me. I wanted to ask them one but the recently strong feeling distant makes me wonder if i could ask them. So i rejected this idea to C. My only big group of fren were the 3 of them. I really don't want to let C know or witness my distant with my friends. I really that anti-social already, i don't want pity or him looking down on me ><. I couldn't ask my other fren rite. Yuting onli 1 person, jolyn aso. Me, my fren (1 person), C, won't it be extremely weird >< Even thou i hope that it can happen, for even C who don't really know my fren say he will be there if it exist to celebrate that he won't mind, y would i mind rite.
I really don't want C to know how anti-social i m. May be he already knows le. He once ask me before whether starhub all the IC got treat me or set up a farewell party for me when i was leaving. I didn really know the ICs and i cant be bother to get to know them cause i nth to talk with them :X He says dina got and suddenly it seems like i m so anti-social that no one cares when i was leaving the company.

I really am a failure in relationships this kind of thing. No matter who: Grandma, brother, father, friends, whoever, i just such a failure. Even my only best frens who are since primary school also no more le. Sudden realization makes me extremely sad and depress on 11. But then, i have no regret in knowing them. They really brought me happiness and hope during my lonely times in sec and poly. Without them, i wouldn't be able to survive this far.

Daddy God, this is what i wish to tell you and i will trust upon you with all my relationships with everyone. I can't do anything about it and no idea wad to do but i know you can and you will!

Grandma: I will have the patient to talk to her and answer her question

Father: I will stop thinking negatively about him and will look upon him as a dependable dad in my life

Brother: I can improve my relationships with him. One day he told me he help me with the laptop cause he is my bro. If i didn't change my attitude towards him, he will never help me anymore le. This happens because of the attitude i gave him when he ask me stupid question like do you have school later or when are you working?, also when he opens the door which i close when i was bathing. The sort of stupid question i already got to endure it from my grandmother and now he still want to ask me. And last time he won't ask me one, i really no idea why he want ask now and he knows i hate this sort of question. I always attitute my grandmother when she ask that cause i really gets irritate when ppl ask me that. All my patient with this sort of question snap during sec 4 waiting for o level result. that time i everyday stay at hm and continue being blast by my grandma with all this sort of have you eaten, go and eat now, have you bath, all this sort of controlling question. And my patient for this really totally snap. N i noe i m a very patient person, but when my patient snap, it really snap. Last time before sec 4, i wouldn't be so irritable on this sort of question. it won't bother me one.
I know i will have the patient of answering his stupid question and i m patient and won't be irritable on things that will usually irritates me.

Friends: Hope i can maintian friendship with everyone i know. Yu Ting, Jolyn, Si Ling, Joey, KY, Irene

Classmate: Yoyo, Liz

My future cliques: Colleagues, future classmate, and people who i will ever meet

Daddy God, i really need deep deep lots of abundance of grace and favour from you in all my relationships area. and i will trust and leave it in your hands on this. Nth got to do with me but everything on you :D thou i cant get or achieve but i will constantly hope (having good opinion on God) (it will surely guarantee happen) Have faith grace =) Never give up!

Day 26 March

2009-03-26T09:30:00.002+08:00

Today was a very moody day to wake up. I was suppose to be at ulu pandan sim quarter there attending an orientation but yet now i m at home. The alarm rang but i dunno y i couldn't hear it and thus leading to my mum calling me at 7. I woke up instantly when my mum touches me waking me up, but in my mind i only just thought "O no!!! 7 liao. The orientation is at 830 at ulu pandan. No matter how fast i m i could only reach there 9 or 930. Wouldn't it be embarrassing to reach there alone when everyone is staring at u and i dun even noe where to find them at that timing. Might as well don't go since its just a orientation." Was that thinking wrong??? After my mum called me, i told her i dun wish to go liao since its late le and i continue to slp

Around 930, i woke up by my bro by a very hurt statement :'( He said " Mei, i dun tink you r serious. Even thou you have grown and change school, i dun tink you have change. Its not the environment or you had a problem, its ur attitude. ur attitude didn change at all. "

Once the moment i hear this, i dunno y i feel the extreme pain of hurt which leading me to couldn go back to slp at all. Is not going to orientation label as not being serious??? or was my thinking wrong?? i juz thought of tt idea when i realise i m late. its just only a orientation rite, y do i need to b label as wad he say just bcoz i didn go for it?? its not as if its a lesson... wad is seriousness? now i couldn help thinking bout it. is seriousness is no matter wad happen just do wadever to achieve things?? like example my case, no matter how late m i just quickly prepare and perhaps take a taxi there?? mayb i should have done that but i m afraid of the embarrassement cause by only i m the one walking into the gathered area with everyone staring at me. is that wrong??

The word "you haven change at all" really affects me alot. that is the statement i wish i could attain since 5 yrs ago when i was in sec 4. Abah you say we dun need to change ourself but we could transform from glory to glory in christ and only jesus could change us but i haven change at all T.T its not that i dun wan to change, i have been dying to change for these 5 yrs and i really hated my self for being such a person.

mayb its all bcoz of my fear, but i couldn stop my fear. 24 i attended a short briefing from the school, i saw most ppl are in big group. they join the school with their fren in other meaning i thought. i was really afraid i would b alone again. the fear of that just grew and grew when i listen through the briefing and during the photo session.

I saw how hard is for my mum to get the money ready for me (__) and i noe i must really work hard for her and myself. I wan go uol, and management is the only available route for me in which i seen. i will strive hard this statement i have been telling myself when i decide to go study again. i really dun wan to live a rotten and useless life. If i really did go for the orientation, would i b label as serious in sch? and not being label as worse as wad my bro say and my grandmother who i hear her saying what "jiayun really cannot make it, well we just have to entrust to god" this statement.

19 March

2009-03-19T23:59:00.002+08:00

Ending soon for 19 March,

Juz suddenly rememb on one day when me n my mum taking 190 to orchard tink looking for game, a women on the bus suddenly ask us whether we are christian or not. I was like huh!!! Is she some kind of mad women. I dunno whether its from the devil or God, but no devil would remind us of Jesus love us rite :)

She say she could feel that i m veri tired with lots of things that is not my age should have the problem. She told me no matter wad happen, Jesus love me :D

Somehow that kinda touches me and make me feel that hope is not gone yet. I could still look on to better future.

YES!!! Grace can b tranform from glory to glory daily.

Tts all fro 19 ;)

19 March

2009-03-19T02:46:00.002+08:00

Early morning 19 March,

Y do i feel so damn n depressing :@ On 17 March 5pm, i gotten wad i have always waited for. The confirmation letter from sim. N i have been told i have been offered a place which should make me damn glad n happy rite. But my heart onli feels with emptiness n confusion that i couldn make up my mind on y do i feel tt way.

Is it bcoz of the upcoming trouble of money for the sch fees which my family couldn support me or do i worry i cant make it for this course and continue being label as a useless person....

Wad is successful? A book that i read ask me that qn. To me the person who is successful in my family is my bro. Thou he nv really achieve anything great like owning a car or big house, i feel that his social life with people, knowing lots of people and having close relationship with them, able to care and concern for people, having no trouble in knowing stranger. In addition to all that, he is mature, he knows how to analyse the situation n sometimes being as our family consultant giving advice to us thou sometimes he will still have some conflicts with family.

I know not the ans of successful. But if i could b like my brother, i guess i could label myself as being successful.

Would i b able to do

18 March

2009-03-18T21:51:00.002+08:00

18 March,

Hahahahahahaaaaaa.......... Finally bought a short that i wanted (>.<)!!!! so happy *(^O^)*
hohoho..... n i owe my cousin angela 16 bucks (Nv to forget and muz return her back!!!) erm... tts all for today ^.^

Woooo..... so happy today... ta da... muhahahaa.... my new short (♥_♥) thou its a bit too cool liao but got my size. hehe :P

15 march

2009-03-15T13:37:00.002+08:00

Day 13 March,

This is the day i gone out with him to check on the IT show. Damn sad on the food that i have eaten :( spoil my memories of my beloved potato gratin, gave me a disgustingly hard n old potato gratin. Bet it muz have left over night :@

Gone shopping too on 13. No $$$ to shop which damn sadden me. A bit over control of me, i spent his money :X At first i was onli juz planning to check up on the clothing stuff which i plan to buy it when i earn my $. But :X when i saw the clothing a bit tempting to buy it on the spot. Den opps! I spent his money to get my clothing. Deeply regreted my decision. When i went back hm, my mum scolded me for wasting my $ on clothing which i basically have no need of them for now and furthermore its even more worse when i told her i spent clive's $ on it X_X there is no way to lie to her about it. Everyone knew i have no $ [coz no work for the past 3 month (-O-)], and i really dun like to lie to my parent, so in the end everything juz blah out of my stupid mouth.

O! O! almost forgot. We got go watch dragonball on that day. Hmmm. Dragonball not bad la, seem like got sequence and the show damn bloody lame n funny. Thou the plot like somehow laking, tink its bcoz of time contraint which led to unable to fully climax the story.

Day 14 March,

O! today was a veri surprising day. i knew he tell me go kallang there which i tot it muz b sadium. thou i knew the venue but i basically have no idea wad's he up to. Den while waiting for the bus 11 to go stadium, saw lots of kids around me and sudden strike of thought came across. Its (>.<) disney on ice!!! Den omg again!!!! 49.9 for the actual price but after disocunt, he told me its 43 bucks. still veri X rite. he brought me to watch the disney on ice!!! Damn cool rite (*^*) but dunno how to return him the $$$ liao (._.) However, the money he use to spent on my clothing i return him liao. Total 75 bucks. Where i got the $, seriously dun ask me :X but tink of course u knew... Yup... its frm my mum (#_#)

Sry mum!!!! i will work hard to return u the $$$ (T.T)

We watch race to witch mountain at the end of the day which was a damn good show (*-*) highly recommmend to go watch tt show. But b4 tt we had dinner first b4 going in. Deeply regretted eating tt dinner thou its nice (;_;) forgot wad's control again and eaten damn over full. Tink i expand my stomach 150%!!!! thankfully after a slp, i feeling better liao. During the dinner, he got help me order the potato salad n scallop. i tink he got a bit angry coz i say i dun like the scallop which he afford me for good. Hope he wun mind it

O! plus he told me about the meeting of my parents. Tink got to arrange one day of him to meet my parent. Dunno wad will my familt tink of him. sigh! i dun hav any security in the relationship. I really hope he will strife hard that i can proudly introduce him to my family.

Day 15 March afternoon,

Juz went for dental care at 9am!!! Damn early rite. I so damn bloody tired now (9_9) N my parent juz now didn give me any rest at all. Force me to go their church when i didn even got the chance to bath and my hair all but standing here n there. So embarrasse (>.<)!!! Hair so messy, plus tired looking face! N somemore coz of messy hair i bought my hairband out to make it look more tidy, but its damn ugly (T.T) got to face so many ppl with my ugly face. *sigh* But i cant blame them :X i didn wake up early enough time for me to bath. But well. Its over ^(*-*)^

Juz had fish n chip for lunch (^o^)y tink my stomach not well yet. juz onli eat some n feel like puking liao. WAD HAPPEN TO U LIAO, MY STOMACH??!!! get well soon okay :) i wan eat lots of good food (^w^)

12 March 2009

2009-03-12T20:21:00.000+08:00

Daddy I m extremely unsatisfied with my way of life now. Every day not eat, surfing net, psp, slp, bathing, I have been doing nothing but all that. I dun wan that!!! I really dun wan b a useless person who achieved nothing but rot away their life people. Is grace really that useless? Grace who is as you say in Christ and Christ alone. Daddy, you are mighty and strong, I who is your daughter really dun wan to b a useless person. I wan to achieved something that I could say proudly and loudly to everyone that “see! I m not useless. I achieved that in my life”. Really hate the feeling of being look down. My grandmother once told me “study you already like that liao, work you still like that, wan go den go dun wan go den dun go, like that can one meh, wad r u going to do with your life, you wan become useless person is it”. Whenever my relatives ask me question like study or work. I really ashame and no word to say to them regarding bout it. How am I to say to them that I have been rotting. And the worse of all is all my fren, cousin, all have been achieving something and yet I only had o level and nothing is achieved. I dun wan. I dun wan. Help me daddy, show me a path, show me a path that I could continue my life and lead me to a life that I m a successful person who I really hope in becoming someone who you can be proud of. Maybe what I could achieve is not that great in your great and mighty sight but to people sight, I really want to be a person who can testimonial to people that because of you, and you only, that I have changed and is successful. That you changed a wretch like me…