Day 26 March
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Today was a very moody day to wake up. I was suppose to be at ulu pandan sim quarter there attending an orientation but yet now i m at home. The alarm rang but i dunno y i couldn't hear it and thus leading to my mum calling me at 7. I woke up instantly when my mum touches me waking me up, but in my mind i only just thought "O no!!! 7 liao. The orientation is at 830 at ulu pandan. No matter how fast i m i could only reach there 9 or 930. Wouldn't it be embarrassing to reach there alone when everyone is staring at u and i dun even noe where to find them at that timing. Might as well don't go since its just a orientation." Was that thinking wrong??? After my mum called me, i told her i dun wish to go liao since its late le and i continue to slp
Around 930, i woke up by my bro by a very hurt statement :'( He said " Mei, i dun tink you r serious. Even thou you have grown and change school, i dun tink you have change. Its not the environment or you had a problem, its ur attitude. ur attitude didn change at all. "
Once the moment i hear this, i dunno y i feel the extreme pain of hurt which leading me to couldn go back to slp at all. Is not going to orientation label as not being serious??? or was my thinking wrong?? i juz thought of tt idea when i realise i m late. its just only a orientation rite, y do i need to b label as wad he say just bcoz i didn go for it?? its not as if its a lesson... wad is seriousness? now i couldn help thinking bout it. is seriousness is no matter wad happen just do wadever to achieve things?? like example my case, no matter how late m i just quickly prepare and perhaps take a taxi there?? mayb i should have done that but i m afraid of the embarrassement cause by only i m the one walking into the gathered area with everyone staring at me. is that wrong??
The word "you haven change at all" really affects me alot. that is the statement i wish i could attain since 5 yrs ago when i was in sec 4. Abah you say we dun need to change ourself but we could transform from glory to glory in christ and only jesus could change us but i haven change at all T.T its not that i dun wan to change, i have been dying to change for these 5 yrs and i really hated my self for being such a person.
mayb its all bcoz of my fear, but i couldn stop my fear. 24 i attended a short briefing from the school, i saw most ppl are in big group. they join the school with their fren in other meaning i thought. i was really afraid i would b alone again. the fear of that just grew and grew when i listen through the briefing and during the photo session.
I saw how hard is for my mum to get the money ready for me (__) and i noe i must really work hard for her and myself. I wan go uol, and management is the only available route for me in which i seen. i will strive hard this statement i have been telling myself when i decide to go study again. i really dun wan to live a rotten and useless life. If i really did go for the orientation, would i b label as serious in sch? and not being label as worse as wad my bro say and my grandmother who i hear her saying what "jiayun really cannot make it, well we just have to entrust to god" this statement.
posted at : 9:30 AM
