Dairy on 12 August 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I have been thinking where went wrong, however until now i still have no idea where actually went wrong. Wonder since when, since when have the relationship gone far apart. I remember when i was still in sec, my relationship with them still has been great. No! Best friends! I really enjoyed my outing with them that time and they have been my main motivation to endure through the lonely life in Nanyang and Greenridge. However now (__) Actually when i was still studying in Nanyang, i already felt the distant i had with them. Especially through 'W' thing that happens. All of them knows what happens, who 'W' is, what is going on and everything. I felt so so distant at that point in time i guess. Always, always only i have no idea what happen to them but be the last one to know. And they still got to re say the whole situation again for me to know. And when i try to provide with some solutions, i then realize i completely no idea what is happening. All my solutions were irrelevant. So they got to tell me everything again on what happen, felt so complete extra. But then, at that point in time, even thou i constantly have this feeling, i just disregard it, thinking next time will be better. But haha!!! May be not. On 10 august, 2009 it confirms everything to me le. No. It shows, tells me clearly. On 10 august, 2009, i went to celebrate birthday celebration. The distant i have been feeling, i didn't even realize it has became so obvious that til KY asks me was i more interactive when i going out with C or i enjoy more when i was with him. On 11 august, 2009, i stop running away from this problem and i cried. The more i realize the more sad i became. I finally realize to the answer on this distant. I am not part of this best friend group anymore. Once i realize that, my tears just cant help but flow. It was a depressing day for me.
Watching harry potter 6 that day i didn't go watch with them. Have agree on and confirm already. But i guess i was running away. I don't want to feel left out (hated this feeling, no matter where i go, i will always feel it), but the main reason was i scare my presence let them feel awkward or anything or i will spoilt their day. I feel they will be more happier without me this considered outsider liao, in this way, they don't have to talk to me just because they don't want me to feel so lonely. But then, that day my stomach really weirds and give me alot of trouble, i didn't mean to use that as an excuse.
I remembered J say one time, that she want the four of us to stay together forever that the four of us will her most important and best friends. For KY and Irene, yup i totally agree but that time i actually had a weird thought. (ky and irene very impt, but i really don't think i m tt impt :X:X:X)
For my 20th birthday, C once asks me whether i want to like book a chalet or a room, whereby i can get my friends to celebrate together with me. I wanted to ask them one but the recently strong feeling distant makes me wonder if i could ask them. So i rejected this idea to C. My only big group of fren were the 3 of them. I really don't want to let C know or witness my distant with my friends. I really that anti-social already, i don't want pity or him looking down on me ><. I couldn't ask my other fren rite. Yuting onli 1 person, jolyn aso. Me, my fren (1 person), C, won't it be extremely weird >< Even thou i hope that it can happen, for even C who don't really know my fren say he will be there if it exist to celebrate that he won't mind, y would i mind rite.
I really don't want C to know how anti-social i m. May be he already knows le. He once ask me before whether starhub all the IC got treat me or set up a farewell party for me when i was leaving. I didn really know the ICs and i cant be bother to get to know them cause i nth to talk with them :X He says dina got and suddenly it seems like i m so anti-social that no one cares when i was leaving the company.
I really am a failure in relationships this kind of thing. No matter who: Grandma, brother, father, friends, whoever, i just such a failure. Even my only best frens who are since primary school also no more le. Sudden realization makes me extremely sad and depress on 11. But then, i have no regret in knowing them. They really brought me happiness and hope during my lonely times in sec and poly. Without them, i wouldn't be able to survive this far.
Daddy God, this is what i wish to tell you and i will trust upon you with all my relationships with everyone. I can't do anything about it and no idea wad to do but i know you can and you will!
Grandma: I will have the patient to talk to her and answer her question
Father: I will stop thinking negatively about him and will look upon him as a dependable dad in my life
Brother: I can improve my relationships with him. One day he told me he help me with the laptop cause he is my bro. If i didn't change my attitude towards him, he will never help me anymore le. This happens because of the attitude i gave him when he ask me stupid question like do you have school later or when are you working?, also when he opens the door which i close when i was bathing. The sort of stupid question i already got to endure it from my grandmother and now he still want to ask me. And last time he won't ask me one, i really no idea why he want ask now and he knows i hate this sort of question. I always attitute my grandmother when she ask that cause i really gets irritate when ppl ask me that. All my patient with this sort of question snap during sec 4 waiting for o level result. that time i everyday stay at hm and continue being blast by my grandma with all this sort of have you eaten, go and eat now, have you bath, all this sort of controlling question. And my patient for this really totally snap. N i noe i m a very patient person, but when my patient snap, it really snap. Last time before sec 4, i wouldn't be so irritable on this sort of question. it won't bother me one.
I know i will have the patient of answering his stupid question and i m patient and won't be irritable on things that will usually irritates me.
Friends: Hope i can maintian friendship with everyone i know. Yu Ting, Jolyn, Si Ling, Joey, KY, Irene
Classmate: Yoyo, Liz
My future cliques: Colleagues, future classmate, and people who i will ever meet
Daddy God, i really need deep deep lots of abundance of grace and favour from you in all my relationships area. and i will trust and leave it in your hands on this. Nth got to do with me but everything on you :D thou i cant get or achieve but i will constantly hope (having good opinion on God) (it will surely guarantee happen) Have faith grace =) Never give up!
posted at : 9:54 PM
